And She is Afraid
by mholub00
Summary: She wants him to come but she doesn't and she doesn't know which she'd rather. (Based on season four, episode 16: Mr. Yin Presents...)


**A/N: So this is my first Pysch story. I watched the episode Mr. Yin Presents... last night and now it won't leave my head so to compensate, I wrote this during Spanish. Thanks for reading!**

1. She is afraid. It is high, too high. Much too high, but of course it is, she's on the edge of a clock tower. The ropes are too tight and there is no way to escape, none at all. Not when she's suspended by one single cable. The gag smells like dirty socks, like it's been sitting in the back of a car, a gross car, but haven't they both, her and the gag, been in that car. She can still feel the sticky hot air.  
The ground is so far away, so far.

2. She is afraid he'll come. He needs to go to Abigail, save her instead. Civilian's lives take precedence, she tells herself. He can't save the both and he needs to choose Abigail. She knows what this means, of course she does. She'll die. At the moment she's okay with that. He can be happy with Abigail and she wants him to be happy, right?  
The seconds tick past.

3. She is afraid he won't come. He can't, he shouldn't, but she wants him to, she does. She wants to hear his voice in her ear with the jokes and the sarcasm. She wants him to pull her back on the building and whisper that everything is okay. She thinks she would let him hug her. She would let him just hold her for a while actually because he would've chosen her and it would be enough. Enough to make up for the waiting and missed opportunities and awful timing. But she knows he won't choose her, not over Abigail. He can't, he shouldn't choose her, but she wishes he would.  
She's running out of time.

4. She is afraid to die. She doesn't want to die, no one ever really does. But it's her job, isn't it? To put herself in harm's way so that others will be safe. She thinks that maybe she's meant to die this way, so that he and Abigail can be happy. He would disagree. He would say she was being ridiculous, but call her something like an elephant wearing a rainbow printed wig. And shoe would laugh because it was him. The last time she almost died he was there. She was terrified but she tried not to be. And he was going to tell her something, something important, about prizes and cereal boxes and patience and the shortness of life but he didn't.  
Now she Is going to die and she'll never know.

5. She is afraid when she hears the footsteps. She closes her eyes because she's out of time. She tries to think of her family while she waits for the clock to strike, waits for the fall, and how much she loves the, but she can't. She just wants them to be his footsteps and she doesn't want them to be his one bit and she's not sure which she'd rather it be. The running, the yelling. There's an O'Hara and a Juliet but no Jules and not his voice. She is relieved of course she is, because he went for Abigail like he needed to.  
The knot tightens in her throat and she fights the tears. She can't cry, not here, not now.

6. She is afraid of the panic she hears. It's everywhere, she can feel it and she would swear the ropes were tightening if she could talk or breathe. Lassiter is the one who stops the clock and it was close, so close. They yell again and there are hands on her shoulders, pulling her back, but they aren't his hands, it's not his voice, he's not there. The ropes fall and for a second she can't move, not sure if she's imagining the ground beneath her feet. Gus appears in front of her, kneeling down so it must be real, and she thinks he's asking if she's alright but she can't hear him over the pounding in her head. She's not alright. She thinks he says something about letting Shawn know, letting him know, before a medic tea pulls her away.

7. She is afraid to let them touch her. She never saw his face, never got a glimpse, and he could be anyone, anyone of these people. So she pushes them away. The shaking starts in her hands and Lassiter notices, of course he notices, it's his job to notice things. She notices too, how relieved Gus looks, meaning Abigail is okay. But she doesn't care about Abigail, not no, not anymore. Lassiter grabs her wrists and says to calm down, or something of the sort, and he calls her Juliet and she collapses. She doesn't want to cry, not here, not now, but she does. Because she is alive and Abigail is alive and because they won against the system.  
Because he's not there. Because she got her partner and his best friend and she wanted him.

8. She is afraid because he chose her, he chose Abigail. And she thinks his message is clear, that he cares but not enough. And she knows she can't blame him, not with a decision like that when she herself wasn't even sure if she wanted to be the one to live. Save one life, lose another.  
She loves him and she's afraid he doesn't lover her back,


End file.
